bohemian rhapsody

My show opens this Friday!

2011-12-12T09:59:00.000-04:00

i am really excited about this! i haven't shown my work in over 3 years...it feels great to be back in the game!

congrats james & juli!

2011-12-09T16:34:00.000-04:00

james & juli were total rock stars despite a few little obstacles thrown their way by the resort (psst Carambola) greedy greedy people....they booked 3 weddings at basically the same time (tsk tsk tsk) so there was a whole lot going on at once, quite a challenge for photos but we did it!

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i am aware that christmas is almost here, i have done nothing. i am starting to freak out. a little.

woof.

rock the frock - joyia & savannah

2011-11-13T12:22:00.000-04:00

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a HUGE thank you to joyia & savannah who agreed to play dress-up for my very first

rock the frock session!!!! they jumped in the dresses, slapped on some makeup and we dashed up queen cross street in christiansted...i was snapping pix lickedey-split as the light faded away for the day. i love the back streets of downtown; they are filled with old shanty houses, cute renovated buildings and of course the occasional decorated rum shack. i find these back drops way more interesting than the standard beach fronts most people choose. i am trying to get my clients to draw outside the lines once in awhile, sometimes it takes a little prodding as these areas of town can seem to be a bit sketchy... but i have never had a problem - not once. perhaps it's because i am a local, or it's the dreadlocks - most folks recognize me with my cameras. they even peek out their windows wondering why the crazy lady has ladies dressed up like angels, faeries, devils on a regular day. you just don't see stuff like that down here very often.

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today starts the mad blitz of christmas card shoots. i absolutely love these sessions. the children sense the urgency of "getting it done before thanksgiving" and decide it's the perfect time to display their independence by not cooperating (pouty face, monkey face, crying - anything you can think of) while the parents threaten and bribe...in the end we always get the shot but the process is sheer theater...i should sell tickets.

today's show starts at 4pm!

happy sunday!

congratulations mark and annmarie!

2011-11-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

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pardon me while i freak out for a minute (........................................) whew. thanks. ok, my show is a month away so IT'S CRUNCH TIME and while i just thrive on chaos and panic i am feeling just a wee bit of pressure this time. haven't shown my work in awhile and being invited to be a part of this exhibition is pretty special. i haven't posted any sneaky peeks of the show images yet....stay tuned......they are so awesome!

meanwhile....it's november in the caribbean - one of our rainiest months out of the year, the architectural shoot i had scheduled for this morning has been postponed as it is dark and stormy outside. i am still going to go ahead with my "rock the frock" promo shoot this afternoon with savannah and joyia as long as it isn't pouring rain...should be a really fun session!

happy friday peeps!

progress baby!

2011-10-01T10:27:00.000-04:00

i know it's been awhile since i posted last - here's a sneak peek at what i've been up to....FINALLY have a new logo thanks to Melissa Starr from Etsy...now i am trying to learn how to place them on my photos using Lightroom 3 (best editing program EVER).

i have been obsessed with taking schoyer photography up to another level and have spent hours upon hours looking at other photographer's websites and branding techniques - i am pretty proud of the progress so far!

i promise to post some more photos from other shoots i've done in the last month! stay tuned!

cheers & happy saturday!

watching irene

2011-08-28T20:29:00.000-04:00

brett & honey tied the knot on the beach 2 days ago. such a sweet couple!

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we had a little taste of irene last sunday. i surprised myself by not getting too worked up but i cannot take the credit - thanks be to Pfizer and their magic yellow pills.

jah bless!

the winds started at about 1pm and the power cut out six hours later. as i lay in the dark listening to my shutters rattle with each blast of wind i thought to myself "this is no freaking tropical storm" and as it turns out it wasn't. irene graduated from TS Irene to Category 1 Hurricane Irene right over my tiny island. rude. very rude. the next morning the rain continued in bursts but the damage was minimal. battered trees and leaves everywhere. no power, no internet, cell service weak at best and spotty. i managed to send a text to a friend letting her know we were all ok and asked her to look at the weather channel to see if anything else was coming. that is the worst part about being cut off after a storm, not knowing what else is out there...

and like most of you i have followed the path of irene for the last week, praying and hoping that she wouldn't bust up to a Cat 3 or worse and ruin everyone's lives all the way from here to Nova Scotia.

as of late yesterday evening the projected path (according to Google Earth) had the storm blasting right over my brother's house in New Jersey but she weakened and he says they all did just fine. He is down here, his wife & daughter up there. He won't take the little yellow pills that turn your bones to liquid so you can sit still in a puddle of bliss while shit rains down all around you - so he was wound up rather tightly (to say the least).

so today we put another natural disaster behind us. those affected by the storm sit in the dark, count their losses and begin to try to put their lives back together. the rest of us switch the tv channel and think about other things. i couldn't help but feel as though all those weather reporters were just a bit disappointed there wasn't more madness & mayhem to tell the world about. one guy with a lot of energy at 7am this morning kept talking about how clean-up crews were going to have to get an early start to remove the debris! lots of debris!! behind him in the shot were 2 battered umbrellas and a tree branch.

why the hell didn't he just pick that stuff up himself?

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oh and for those of you following along i am still trying to re-do my website on Showit.com. i have made a tiniest amount of progress and feel like a superstar.

stay tuned.....

this is who i met with this week

2011-08-21T09:35:00.000-04:00

he may not appear like this if you met with him but because i have superpowers he can't hide from me. to you he would appear as a regular guy in a oversized flowery shirt, tucked away in his tiny dark office. it's my fault i have a meeting with him in the first place, i didn't follow the rules of polite society and even though i have bent over backwards to right the wrong somehow it's just not good enough.

i managed to keep it together throughout our encounter but as i left the building i could feel myself coming apart and thankfully made it to my car before it happened.

and then i did what i should have done months ago, before the first meeting with him and certainly before i signed the documents he'd prepared, his face plastered with that sly smile he reserves for idiots like me.

i hired an attorney (how will i pay for this? who knows...he was quite upfront with me when he told me he is quite expensive but other folks in the legal community have told me he's the best one to deal with my issue) this is all about money and the lack thereof to begin with. and my mistakes where money is concerned.

i really would like a do-over.

all of this may result in huge changes for me. to get the devil off my back i may have to sell my house, the house that's been in my family for over 50 years.

i'm fairly torn up about it but am trying to see it as a sign from the universe that it's time for me to make a change.

and i've got a bit of advice for all of you.

don't mess with the IRS.

squiggly wigglies & a tsunami siren

2011-08-14T12:23:00.000-04:00

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there is nothing more fun than trying to get toddlers to sit for a portrait...take a close look at the middle photo, one brother has his fingers up the other brother's nose.

hilarious!

and then picture brokeback princess scurrying all over the beach trying to keep up while one child is trying to climb a palm tree, the little girl has pulled her dress over her head and the smallest (and fastest!) is making a beeline for the ocean.

i love it. i really do. weddings are lovely but the kid sessions really make my job a joy!

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the other day i am down by the waterfront when this loud siren goes off, followed by what sounded like charlie brown's teacher giving a speech...all i could make out was "womp womp higher ground"

then i remembered seeing a flyer at the post office saying that they would be testing out the new tsunami sirens on the island that day. my brother tells me i would probably have 8 minutes to make it to higher ground which is just super. i doubt i could have made it back to my car in 8 minutes let alone get to the nearest mountain. so he, in his infinite sense of wisdom, tells me i might want to start wearing a helmet (it's the debris that gets you he says) as well as a life preserver (or 2) just in case.

as if folks don't think i am odd enough as it is.

a very special engagement session

2011-08-07T14:45:00.000-04:00

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on june 2, 2012 i get the honor of being mother of the groom. THIS groom.

just doesn't seem possible that he is old enough to get married (he is) or that i am old enough to be someone's mother in law (crap, it's true.)

nevertheless we are all very, very excited!

cassie & greg

2011-08-03T09:37:00.001-04:00

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Cassie & Greg are a couple who came down here, to get married but didn't have a professional photographer. Mike (he's my second shooter now...LOVE HIM) and I were shooting 4 couples doing vow renewals at a beach resort, they approached Mike and he arranged for us to have a quick session the following day. So Cassie gets back in her dress, does up her makeup and then says the words I so love to hear "we'll do whatever you want us to"

there was a crowd of people at the bar who all cheered when they jumped in the water.

so. much. fun.

i want a fairy godmother who knows photoshop

2011-07-29T07:07:00.000-04:00

these lovely ladies were part of carlo & joyia's wedding. they were so much fun to work with!

little baby m home safe and sound here with his big brother

more fun with the ladies from the wedding

joyia & carlo

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i have to accept my technical limitations but i don't. i have spent HOURS trying to re-design my website, create a logo, watermark my images...if i had the money i would hand all of this over to a professional SO FAST. i found a site called Showit where they even give you tutorial videos and make doing a website look so freaking easy. the narrator's voice is as smooth as silk, he sounds so nice and patient...i just want to call him up and beg him to stop whatever he is doing and just walk me though the whole process. but i'm not that crazy (yet) so i dig my heels in and then when i can't even figure out the first step i feel like such a dope and give up. i think Showit assumes everyone who finds their site knows the ins and outs of Photoshop. am i the only one left who doesn't?

the more i fail at this the more determined i am to figure it out.

(goddamit.)

good news for baby

2011-07-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

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breathing a huge sigh of relief as the cat scan on baby m shows there is a small tear caused by an air pocket that happened when he took his first breaths. they say it should heal on its own. a few more tests and hopefully he will be back home with momma in a few days.

oh happy day!

if he had been born in this fabulous children's hospital instead of down here in the jungle the level of drama probably would have been nil. up there they have state of the art equipment and resources that we won't see down here for years to come.

oh the things we take for granted.

years ago i went in for my annual mammogram. a suspicious "mass" led to 5 more more invasive mammograms over the course of 4 months. then they tell me they need to do this procedure where they would insert wires into my breast to pinpoint the "mass", do yet another mammogram and then (you'll love this) i was supposed to get in my Jeep with the wires sticking out of my boob and DRIVE MYSELF UP THE ROAD TO THE HOSPITAL to have the wires removed.

i grabbed all my films, ran screaming from the building and didn't stop until i was in a real hospital in boston.

tests up there showed NOTHING. no mass. no lumps. NOTHING.

when i told them about the wires thingy and driving myself to the hospital they thought i was joking.

i know our hospital does good work down here. lives are saved everyday. i had both my babies there without incident and am grateful for that.

i am also grateful that when things got hinky i had the ability to go somewhere else. i feel so sorry for all the local women who don't have that luxury who are driving themselves up the road from the medical center with wires sticking out of their boobs.

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i have a wedding to shoot today. the sun is peeking out through the clouds for the first time in days.

it's going to be a great day.

buddha says...

2011-07-08T08:56:00.000-04:00

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sometimes i need a little nudge from the universe to remind me to put things into perspective. i easily get wrapped up in a swirly of the "poor poor pitiful me's"...my broken back, the shingles, the endless tropical rain storms that take ALL the fun out of shooting outdoor beach weddings, the giant land crab that hides behind the toilet, terrifying me and has me thinking peeing in the yard might be safer than going inside, yada yada yada.

then there's a shift.

a friend goes into our hospital to have her second baby by c-section. all's well til they notice he is having trouble breathing. x-rays show a mass in his lung and the doctors here decide he needs more advanced medical care and must be air-lifted off island to the states. the fee for the jet is $40,000, is not covered by their insurance and needed to paid up front.

this couple has no way of coming up with that kind of money so the air ambulance folks cut the fee in half and a family member emptied her savings account and the jet arrived hours later.

she gets to hold him for the first time minutes before they come to take him away. because of her surgery she has to stay behind.

she and i are sitting outside her house a few hours later watching the sunset. she tells me she is grateful for the nine months they got to spend together while she was pregnant and for those few moments when she got to hold him in the NICU. she says if that's all the time the universe is going to give her with him she will find peace in that.

we watched the sun slip behind the horizon is silence.

(woof)

today he will get a cat scan and she will sit and wait for the results. and hope. and wait.

shingle bells, shingle bells, shingle all the way...

2011-07-01T19:09:00.000-04:00

photos of religious statues taken in new orleans

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i haven't been feeling like the uber princess i am for the better part of 3 weeks. it's been really, REALLY hot here and i have been running around in circles with photo shoots & weddings so i figured the heat had gotten the best of me.

today i finally buckled and went to the doctor and found out i have shingles.

(yay)

the heat wave seems to have past for the moment and we are being battered around with one tropical wave after another. i have a portrait shoot tomorrow and 2 weddings in the next week so i am stressing a bit about the weather which if you know anything about shingles you know stress makes it worse.

now i am doing my best (with the help of some nifty meds) to stay calm and carry on. the good news is i seem to have powered through the worst part already and am at the tail end of this new, and awesome addition to the list of ridiculous shit that gets sent my way to test me.

luckily i have my sense of humor and am taking full advantage of the fact that i don't any interest in eating much which is why it took me 3 weeks to go find out what was really wrong.

(don't judge me)

i did try to go swimming the other day, figured a dip in the ocean would cool off my burning skin. i get to the beach and realize i am the only one there.

crap.

i know fat people are harder to kidnap but i hadn't even told anyone where i was going so if i did go missing they would probably figure i got an itch, hopped a plane to somewhere fun and would just wait for a postcard and not look for me at all.

i did stay there for about half an hour and could hear the theme music from every bad horror movie playing in my head the whole time. a lot of the houses along the beach have been abandoned by their owners for the summer, the bushes are way overgrown due to all the rain we've had...and there i am splashing around in the water (whee).

have a great holiday weekend folks. we don't get any fireworks down here this year because the govt says they are too broke. (what-ever)

mah peeps dem

2011-06-17T21:12:00.001-04:00

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ahhhh, the caribbean. i truly believe this is the ONLY place on the planet where:

1) i could get full on groped by an eighty year old man who pressed up against me in a shop and whispered in my ear that i was sooooooo beautiful. i really couldn't slap him even tho he really did cop quite the feel. and he's an old man with a cane...

2) later that same day i'm at the One Love gas station and a rasta guy i've known in passing for years asks me if i'm still dating that same guy. i have no idea to whom he is referring but i of course say "yes. oh yes. he's such a keeper!" he then goes on to tell me that he'd really like to date me which is just super awesome because i think this dude lives in a plywood shack in the bushes on the side of the road.

he's leaning up against my hood so i can't drive away without knocking him over so we continue to talk. (i love to talk.) he wants to know why he never sees me out with my man anywhere and i quickly respond that dave is a musician and he travels alot. that seemed to impress him somewhat so i got a nod of respect, a fist bump and he went on his way.

(for those of you just joining this circus my imaginary boyfriend is none other than dave matthews.)

go big or go home.

and then last night i am at a tourism symposium taking photos. we had some quadrille dancers come perform and at the end of their act they started to grab audience members. to dance. to dance quadrille. i got picked first.

this nice man pulled me out onto the dance floor and started swinging me around, i did a couple of laps and suddenly found myself without a partner so i snuck away and went back to taking photos (quadrille is similar to square dancing but with cooler costumes)

it was hilarious.

happy friday....

i just like the labels

2011-06-10T18:37:00.001-04:00

while trying to find some random item in the grocery today i found myself in the wine aisle.

sigh.

i do miss mah wine but nothing good happens if i pound the grape, i get loose as a goose, lippy and give shit away for free.

yeah. that too... but i was really referring to photography as i would much rather take photos than take money for taking photos but those people at the IRS do not share my passion.

anyhoo, i decided to see how many photos i could take in the store of cool wine bottle labels before i got a snarky look from a clerk. (you'd think they'd be used to me by now)

so i took these 3 pix and i hope you love them.

and if you are one of those people who can behave yourself when you drink have a lovely GOBLET of pinot for me.

yum.

i'm a slut for a press pass

2011-05-25T21:53:00.000-04:00

franti at jazzfest

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out of all the photography i do, covering concerts is my favorite. i've been out of the game for a bit with the injury but i just got the ok from the dr. to get back at it.

sooooooooo as it turns out michael franti is playing in portland maine in june.

hmmmm. time for a little road trip...i have no weddings scheduled that weekend....

two weddings and a rapture

2011-05-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

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days upon days of torrential, tropical, the world just may be ending rain had me biting my nails last week. my friday bride, not wanting to get married in a downpour, postponed til saturday giving me the challenge of doing two weddings back-to-back.

hello? i'm a rockstar....and we only had small snippets of sunshine, just in time for both ceremonies.

as for the rapture, no photos as apparently we got overlooked down here.

just as well. i wasn't packed anyway.

food photography and a teeny rant about the danger of eating meat

2011-05-13T19:15:00.000-04:00

i recently covered a chef's competition on the beach, they had to make a seafood stew with these ingredients (RIP poor lobsters. fish. shrimp.)

chef leslie gumbs from tortola getting the conch out of the shell. (poor conch)

fire pit in the sand

recycling conch shells

some yummy roasted veggies on a stick with a brew looking on

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i saw on the news today that they found the MRSA virus in beef. the report went on to say that as long as the meat was cooked correctly you didn't have to worry about getting sick.

hmmm.

so let's review ok?

mad cow

bird flu

e-coli

salmonella infected eggs

and add to all that those are issues with food products in the "real" world. we down here in the jungle get most of our food shipped from overseas, then they sit on the docks to clear customs, are ever so slowly loaded in trucks and then taken to grocery stores where as soon as they are put in the coolers the power goes out for several hours.

eat you veggies people.

and stay safe.

wonderful. another mouth to feed.

2011-05-10T18:48:00.000-04:00

these are images of a mongoose, a creature that normally lives out in the bush.

i have one hiding under my living room couch.

i've been sliding plates of cat food under the couch because 1) i am a real softie and 2) i am a real idiot.

i have also been leaving all the porch doors open with the hopes that the lure of the great outdoors will entice it back out where it belongs before the cats try to take it on....and lose. mongoose are fierce fighters.

someday, when i grow up i'll live in a real house, not the tropical bush shack where all creatures great and small take up residence.

faces. everybody has one.

2011-05-06T21:36:00.000-04:00

here's some of my favorite faces

stuff. just stuff.

2011-05-04T19:39:00.000-04:00

this is part of a new series i am working on

the soup of the day caught my eye

BEST wedding cake EVER

a local band playing on the Heineken boat in the harbor

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happy hump day

ok. i'm back. here's where i've been.

2011-05-02T12:00:00.003-04:00

stefano & jennifer

kasie & jaime

tom & nadia

food fight competition for the st. croix food & wine experience

summer & brett

it just occurred to me that i work 16 hour days and some things fall through the cracks as a result; laundry, mailing birthday cards on time, socializing, cleaning (well. it's never been on the top of my list but it's may and my christmas tree is still up. really.) and blogging. as a result i may post more photos and less titillating prose because that takes longer.

thanks for hanging in there peeps.

love me some masks

2011-01-30T11:36:00.002-04:00

so yesterday i dragged - and i mean dragged myself out of my rumpled bed to shoot some photos on the other side of the island. i've been down for the count since last weekend with some kind of flu and no matter how many over the counter remedies i took i still felt awful. my kitchen counter looks like a pharmacy but all i really want is one bottle of anything that guarantees i will not feel like shit anymore.

woof.

but despite all that i proved to be a bit of a trooper, hanging out amongst the cruise ship passengers, watching the kids from one of the public schools dance in the streets with their uber cool homemade masks & costumes. there was also one lonely moko jumbie who really looked like he'd had a late night out as his performance was a wee bit lackluster...

OR....maybe he had the flu.

happy sunday.

i do, i do, i did

2011-01-23T10:50:00.003-04:00

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another weekend, another wedding, another 400+ images to process & edit. these two were so laid back and easy to work with...

i don't have any other weddings booked for awhile so now i can concentrate on the two exhibits i have been invited to take part in. i haven't shown my work in over a year so i am excited to get to work. don't get me wrong, i don't hate the wedding/portrait genre but i love love love making the crazy images i come up with in my head come to life.

it's all about art baby....

what i've been up to

2011-01-16T09:18:00.002-04:00

playing around with ideas for new work

tabitha the cat insisted on getting in this shot

not a bad place to watch a sunset

this is a shot from yesterday's wedding

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i'm sorry i don't post as often as i should. i follow other blogs and hate when they don't post...life gets in the way sometimes....

i have to dash off now for a session for a musician's album cover, then when i get home the 300+ images from the wedding need editing. need to crank them out as i have more weddings next weekend.

i also have some medical tests this week which i am so not looking forward to. i finally got my health insurance last week after not having any for 3 years (woo hoooooooo!) but now it's time to get a chest xray to see what that strange stabbing pain when i take a deep breath is all about.

pfffft.

happy sunday peeps.

amazing day at carnival

2011-01-09T10:16:00.002-04:00

moko jumbie (stilt walker). usually they are quite frightful and used to terrify me as a child.

the best steel pan troup EVER. check out videos on youtube - search for rising star steel pan

i love love a costume where you can't see their faces

but...this guy's body paint and contact lenses were pretty cool

these guys were jump jump jumping. how they maintain all that energy for all those hours down the parade route in the heat is a wonder...

to see more carnival photos check out my flickr photostream

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i hadn't been to a carnival in 2 years and was nervous about being out there with my gear, on my feet for hours. i worried about being stuck in the massive crowds - and all of that worrying was for nothing. this year for the first time ever they used those metal barricades along the parade route to keep the crowds back - if i had brought my press pass (DOPE) i could have walked alongside the floats. instead i walked way up the hill to the start of the parade, found a great spot with a breeze and shot from there. i stayed away from the maddening crush of the partying masses and had an awesome time. my brother joined me and we had a lot of laughs, when we had both had enough we walked along side the waterfront, had some lunch and called it a day.

perfect.

magic moments

2011-01-07T13:58:00.004-04:00

jack white

santana

steel pulse

stevie wonder

elvis costello

taken at jazzfest in new orleans 2008

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that was my life before i hurt my back and everything went to shit. (sigh)

it's almost been 3 years and i have yet to journal about how devastating this has been to me. to go from being 2 feet away from musical icons, capturing their images. walking into a hoity toity restaurant in new orleans and hearing other diners whisper "there's the photographer" as i walk by. fans at the concerts screaming for me to take their photos too.

now i am a zillion dollars in debt and work at the front desk at a local resort at night. i still take photos but do not (in my current condition) have the strength and stamina to shoot concerts. my favorite thing in the world.

this is not the life i imagined and i am furious.

i have decided it's time to stop being so furious and start forgiving my body for letting me down. to start making changes that will get me out of this hell-hole of debt & sadness.

this is not some lame new year's resolution because i never keep those. this is my attempt to stop feeling sorry for myself and to make an effort to take more photos no matter what they are of because that is what is important to me and to have faith that better things are in store for me.

i WILL be back on stage with my camera someday.

And the holidays rage on....

2011-01-05T17:22:00.002-04:00

everyone else has taken down the christmas trees, decorations and lights and packed them away for another year.

not us!

it's another 4 day weekend here in the islands, everything is closed (except where i work of course) and the general population wakes up at 4 am to dance through the streets before going to the beach for cocktails and naps and at sunset it's off to the carnival village to dance all night.

hey. it's not a bad life if you can handle it.

there are parades tomorrow and saturday, i am hoping to hit the one on saturday for more pictures....

Happy Three Kings Day!

odd bits

2010-12-29T10:17:00.002-04:00

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i had a dream that i cut off my dreads. i didn't remember why i did it and was filled with regret. i tried to make peace with the situation but all i could think about was how fast i could re-grow them.

so i wake up this morning feeling a bit off.

(shake it off baby, shake it off.....)

christmas - bohemian rhapsody style

2010-12-27T09:12:00.002-04:00

all these shots were taken with my iPhone using Instagram filters

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whew. i did it. somehow between working all day and all night i managed to put up the tree, shop, wrap, give & receive.

at the end of the day i was exhausted and crawled under the covers instead of going out for christmas dinner.

yesterday it was nasty & stormy and after a quick trip over to a friend's house i retreated back to my funky house on the hill and did nothing.

it was AWESOME.

happy monday.

really cool, clever shots

2010-12-24T09:19:00.002-04:00

i teefed these off the facebook page of vacationstcroix.com

i am totally annoyed that i didn't come up with these ideas

and those chairs are the coolest things i have ever seen.

all right. i need to go shopping. christmas is tomorrow.

fallen angels

2010-12-23T14:37:00.003-04:00

everyone needs one.

i have to admit i have been a teeny tiny bit obsessed with angels since my parents died and they feature heavily in my work.

so as you pull out your hair trying to finish your shopping, wrap your gifts, cook and try to get to the party on time just know that they are out there, watching.

and they are laughing because you are such a twisted mess....

i need an elf

2010-12-22T10:24:00.003-04:00

baby valentino and me

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(sigh) christmas is in 3 days and i am not ready.

my brother is being an uber-scrooge, so bad i threatened him with a visit from 3 ghosts on christmas eve if he didn't knock it off.

this is the first christmas the tall one won't be home.

the other one has to work on christmas and is in a foul mood about it.

the kmart is out of wrapping paper but since i haven't even finished shopping i guess that doesn't matter.

my fake white tree that i bought at the dollar store is still in the box waiting to be assembled and decorated. i have half a mind to pick up a couple cartons of egg nog, come home after work (at midnite) on christmas eve, get sloppy drunk and see how i end up decorating the tree.

since i haven't been drinking that idea is not at the top of my list but i bet the tree would be a hoot to look at.

WHAT is it about this frigging holiday that can turn a regular groovy life upside down and inside out?

every year i vow this won't happen and yet it does. i've been skipping around other blogs i follow and their posts are filled with lovely photos of their cozy, decorated spaces.

dammit.

well, there's always next year. if i put the tree up now and leave it up all year, i can clean the living room up around the tree and be way ahead of the game....

just a thought.

west indian christmas

2010-12-18T13:52:00.002-04:00

i turned in rather early last night because i knew i had a lot to do today. imagine my surprise when i found myself WIDE awake at 3am.

go ahead...ask me why.

one word.

jouvet. (pronounced joo-vay)

it's christmas carnival time here on the island and that means that on any given night for the next 3 weeks a large flatbed truck with huge speakers and a calypso/scratchy band may or may not fill the night air with our version of christmas carols. behind the flatbed are dozens of cars who honk their horns in tune to the music AND a police car who beep-beeps his siren.

(no. i am not making this up)

this caravan makes it's way slowly through the sleepy neighborhoods, stopping at random houses to re-fill their cups with rum.

the music was pretty sweet, so i'm not mad about being woken up to "mama, bake deh johnny kek, christmas comin'..."

i'm just saying i would love it a whole lot more if they did it at 3 in the afternoon instead.

another year begins

2010-12-17T16:22:00.005-04:00

more time to photograph musicians

wear fun hats

add some sparkle

be grateful that i live in such a pretty place

another whole year to try and get my living room this clean again.

happy birthday to me.

best. book. ever.

2010-12-13T11:26:00.004-04:00

if you are like me getting lost in a good book is like a little slice of heaven.

screw putting up the tree, wrapping gifts, shopping for those gifts - get this book and settle in.

i hated for it to end and frankly feel a bit lost without it.

get it.

read it.

thank me later.

i can see for miles

2010-12-04T10:19:00.003-04:00

living down here as long as i have has made me a bit jaded...but this morning i just couldn't believe how beautiful it is outside...and clear! this is st. john and tortola

east side of st. thomas

charlottle amalie

***********************

we had 2 earthquakes last night, 4.0 and 4.6. i was busy at work and did not notice but a lot of other people did which increased the alcohol consumption at the bar because nothing says "SHOTS!" like a little rattle-n-roll. the hotel is packed right now with a huge wedding party from the states getting their freak on...i was on the phone last night and out of the corner of my eye noticed one of the hotel golf carts whizzing by being driven by a drunk hotel guest with a goofy grin on his face.

it's like college with no classes.

oh yeah. i was a supermodel.

2010-12-03T09:00:00.003-04:00

way back when the dinosaurs roamed our beaches (1966) children's vogue magazine did a shoot here.

it was the one and only time i have ever looked good in a bathing suit.

************************

yesterday as i was running around town trying in vain to get a few simple errands done i kept having an unfamiliar sensation...i was cold.

huh?

i live in the caribbean...we are NEVER cold.

this morning i checked the temperature when i woke up. it was 65 degrees.

what?!?

when i was a little girl it dropped to 66 and they sent us home from school.

can you say "global warming"?

not mine - some great photos

2010-12-02T08:51:00.004-04:00

these images are taken by amazing photographers from reuters, getty & AP. to see more go to www.guardian.co.uk and check out the series 24 hours in pictures.

amazing.

when i grow up i would love to be a photojournalist who travels all over the world.

just sayin'

all in a day

2010-12-01T08:36:00.003-04:00

i couldn't help but notice that this fish looks a bit surprised to be in the situation he's in

oh yay. i've been looking everywhere for chicken feet. soooo glad they had them. (gag)

ok class. for ten points tell us if this is an old photograph or not?

*******************************

so yesterday i left the house with a long list of errands, a short amount of time to get it all done and most important of all..a stool sample to drop off at the lab. the lab i'm supposed to use has freakishly odd hours... 8am to 11:30 am.

very convenient.

i am scattered by nature and easily distracted (oh look a shiny object....) so i'm standing in line at the bank and i'm like "wow. i smell poop." the lady in front of me seems clean enough, not too sure about the guy behind me. i casually look on the bottom of my shoes...and i'm thinking, and i'm thinking.

oh crap.

it's me.

i've got poop in my purse.

it's pretty funny now but those last 15 minutes in the bank were quite horrifying.

oh by the way. the photo of the ship was taken yesterday.

some island images

2010-11-30T07:44:00.005-04:00

yesterday i posted photos taken in here in the 1940's. these are my pictures. i grab up my girlfriends, get them outfitted in the best the local flea market has to offer and we set off on adventures all over the island.

i remember a comment some old, bourbon-soaked bird made at an art show a few years back...she accused me of using negatives of photos my father had taken in the 50's. i was already on my 3rd glass of cheap, art show wine so i thought it was pretty funny. she was not ready to back down until i introduced her to my models.

WHATever......

my island in the 1940's

2010-11-29T06:50:00.004-04:00

i came across these photos on facebook so i have no idea who the photographers are, i am drawn to them because i recreate images like these in my own art...this is a photo of downtown in the 1940s and i swear the only difference all these years later is the road is paved now.

i wish i could get my hands on an old donkey cart like this...

or an old plow like this

i love this. everyone in their best dresses & hats, gathered on the beach to be first to get at whatever the boats were unloading.

************************

i was born here in the 60's. i remember the roads being dirt, the kmart used to be a huge cow pasture, there was tons of wide open spaces...it was a kind, gentle, quiet island. i often make fun of how backwards we are but that is really what makes us unique. so while it might be terribly inconvenient it's also kind of sweet.

of course i can feel this way right now, tucked away in my funky house on the hill but in a couple of hours i will have tried to do some simple banking, shopping, post office mailing and bill paying and i might feel totally different.

and i'll write about it....its hard to imagine living anywhere else but i know that i am gearing up to do just that.

i am ready for a change.

living in the third world

2010-11-28T06:50:00.005-04:00

i know you all think i make most of this stuff up to give you a giggle now and again. really i don't and here is proof...saw this display at one of the bigger pharmacies on the island. in case you are confused - you get bitten by a centipede (google it if you are lucky enough to not know what one is) and the pain makes you want to curl up and die. this is the ONLY remedy we offer. freaking baking soda and meat tenderizer.

honestly.

you make a poultice and cover the bite with it. i have actually tried this and have also (i have been bitten 5 times) tried toothpaste which seemed to work too but the best was windex - burned like a mofo at first then felt better - or did i pass out?

can't remember.

**************************

here's a photo of the pharmacist.

(happy sunday)

if you were here...in november

2010-11-27T04:46:00.003-04:00

you could make yourself an awesome box hat

your thanksgiving table could have little gourds & bouganvilla flowers

you could kite surf before supper

**********************************

last week i got a stomachache that got progressively worse but i muddled through until the aches and chills got the best of me and i took to the bed for about a week. i crawled out to try and do thanksgiving but i pretty much pushed the food around my plate, wanting badly to eat but knowing that if i did i would only suffer for it later.

yesterday i finally made the trek to the doctor's office where i was told that i probably have (wait for it....) a parasite. woo-hoo! fat girl wins the lottery AGAIN!!!!! i got one a few years back using the porta-loo at a hippie music festival in florida, waited 23 days before i took the antibiotics and lost 30 pounds. i named it pierre and loved him very much.

i know exactly how i got this one too. i was shopping about a week ago, bought some grapes and while i waited in line to check out, dove right into that bag of unwashed fruit and starting eating them. never mind that the underpaid mexican grape pickers hadn't wash their hands since they came across the border...i was starving.

and so you have it.

i think i will name it phillippe.

i just want to see how long i make this relationship last....

go with the flow

2010-11-18T10:56:00.003-04:00

hospital street angels

*******************

somehow i've managed to be in the workforce since i was 14 years old without wearing a uniform, with the exception of my stint as an EMT back in the early 90's. that is until last week when my hotel job handed out these putrid green polo shirts with the hotel logo on the front.

i am trying to make peace with this development.

the shirt is so ugly i take it off outside and leave it on porch when i get home, i don't want it near my other clothes. my only consolation is that everyone who works at the hotel is wearing this costume, safety in numbers and all that so we all make fun of each other all night...

i suppose i should be happy it didn't come with a matching hat.

and no. i will NEVER post a photo of it.

finding inspiration

2010-11-15T09:56:00.003-04:00

i scored these cool christmas ornaments at the kmart and have big plans for them...then as the goddess of useless shit i took a look around my studio aka the living room aka the black hole and found a plethora of possibilities.

all the rain we had last week completely wrecked my portrait shooting schedule and sent me into a dark funk.

(i hate the dark funk.)

nothing depresses me more than a day without creativity so i'm sketching out some ideas that i can use while i am housebound when it rains or when the client cancels...

brilliant huh?

a little sunday poetry

2010-11-14T10:39:00.004-04:00

taken yesterday on the west end nikon d80 70-300mm lens

*********************

my mind is

a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and taste and smell

and hearing and sight keep hitting and chipping with sharp fatal

tools

in an agony of sensual chisels i perform squirms of chrome and

execute strides of cobalt

nevertheless i

feel that i cleverly am being altered that i slightly am becoming

something a little different, in fact

myself

Hereupon helpless i utter lilac shreiks of scarlet bellowings

e.e. cummings

we're drowning down here folks...

2010-11-13T09:13:00.004-04:00

images borrowed from st. croix source.com

******************************

i know it's the tropics and all but this is insane. as hurricane tomas rolled by on it's way to haiti the outer bands brought rain to us. LOTS of rain. the west end of the island took the brunt of it, washing out roads, flooding houses & offices and worst of all, killed a woman trying to get out of her flooded car. they found her body the next day, 1000 feet away from where her husband saw her disappear.

it just takes my breath away.

i thought i was having a bad week as i had tons of holiday photo shoots lined up and now i have tons of nightmare rescheduling but all that pales in comparison.

i love taking photos but i hate hate the business side of it. boo. i feel that it squashes my creativity and the squishier it gets the crunchier i feel. i remember the days when commercial photography was 1/4 of what i did and it was mostly for friends. the rest of the time i created images i had dreamed up and with the help of props and models, brought them to life.

i really, really miss that.

i have this idea for a new series and after the holiday stuff is done and done i am going to focus just on that for about a month or so. there are a couple cool, young photographers here who would just love it if i threw them some of my business and even though i need the horrid greenpaperdollars i think i need my mojo back more.

holy crap, the sun just peeked out from behind a huge grey raincloud - gotta gooooooooo!

thanks for the compliment mister

2010-11-08T09:32:00.004-04:00

mermaid photo by lisa coates

ever since i went broke i've refused to use a shopping cart in stores. keeps me in line. i take 2 bags in with me and when they are full, i leave.

saturday afternoon i am schlepping around one of our nasty food shops when suddenly i feel this sharp stabbing pain in my chest.

oh crap. this is it. i am going to die in the grocery store.

i try to ignore it but i am busting out in a sweat and every time i inhale the pain almost knocks me down.

when my 2 bags are full i limp over to the checkout line thinking to myself "if i had health insurance i'd go to the hospital right now. instead i am going home to die."

while i am standing there in the line, staring death straight in the eyes, gasping for breath, sweating, on the verge of hysteria, the large rastaman standing in line behind me leans into me and whispers "you are the sexiest woman i have ever seen."

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

i smiled weakly at him and limped out of the store, hoping to make it to my car before collapsing in the parking lot...i cried all the way home imaging the giant tumor, blocked artery and every other horrific medical malfunction i was sure that i had that would go undetected because i have no money and no health insurance when i started replaying the events that led up to the onset of the pain in the first place.

hmm. large heavy purse; check. 1 heavy bag on right shoulder with fruits & vegetables; check. 2nd heavy bag on left shoulder with 2 cartons of almond milk and 1 large bottle of laundry soap; check.

by the time i got home i figured i had pulled a muscle hefting those bags around.

crap. i AM turning into that crazy old lady i always feared i would be.....

hey but at least i still look sexy while i am in the throes of imagining that i am dying....

again. i am here for the sheer entertainment of others

2010-10-24T09:29:00.003-04:00

saturday morning in the park

*********************

late last night my cell phone rings. by the time i get to the phone i realize i've missed a call from my son's girlfriend. i've also missed a call from my son but lucky for me they have both left me messages. i listen to hers first. about 30 seconds into it i realize she has "butt" dialed me and i try to figure out what it is i am listening to. is she walking? no. running? no. exercising? this late at night? just doesn't make sense.

then it dawns on me. oh crap. they're having sex.

then i get a text from my son begging me NOT to listen to her message because i might contain "bad language"

bad language indeed.

i sure wish someone had filmed what my face looked like when it all clicked.

priceless.

some notes on personal space

2010-10-16T08:11:00.003-04:00

bad baby realizes green bananas don't taste very good

************************

so while i was trying to figure out where i picked up the pinkeye i remembered the businesswoman in a white linen dress & black high heels who also sat next to me in the doctor's office. she carried with her an enormous black bag and a red pocketbook. she wore a large, gold charm bracelet that jingled, jingled, jingled whenever she moved. when she sat down instead of sitting straight in the chair, she sat sideways, facing me and then emptied out the contents of the black bag creating for herself a mobile workspace complete with pens, notepad, stack of papers, file folders, blackberry and i think a stapler. she flipped through the stack of papers, licking the fingertips of her thumb & index fingers as she went along. lick. lick. lick. jingle. jingle. jingle. when she had a stack of papers she would then tap them on top of the file folders. lick. lick. lick. jingle. jingle. jingle. tap. tap. tap. she was so close to me i thought at any moment she would start using MY lap as overflow for her "office". just when i thought she couldn't get any more obnoxious her cell phone started to vibrate and she answered it. without skipping a beat she launched into a loud conversation about a meeting she had attended earlier in the day that went on for a good 10 minutes. jingle. jingle. jingle. tap. tap. tap. talk. talk. talk. i guess the what-the-fuck look on my face gave me away to a young girl with dreadlocks who sat across from the two of us. she nodded and smiled at me. she was so happy the guy sitting next to her was quietly sleeping with his arms folded across his chest. i was so jealous of her. the look on my face said "please for the love of all that is holy change seats with me. you are younger than me, you have more estrogen. you can handle this." all she did was smile a little bit and shake her head "no way lady".

on the other side of me was a little girl, about 3 years old, wearing a dora the explorer tee shirt and sneakers that lit up when she ran circles around the small, cramped waiting room while her mother ignored her. when she did sit down she found the fabric on my shirt fascinating and felt compelled to touch it, again and again.

lick. lick. lick. jingle. jingle. jingle. tap. tap. tap. talk. talk. talk. touch. touch. touch.

the receptionist called my name just as i was about to crack up. i don't think it was turn but it was time for me to get up and get out of there if you catch my drift, which the receptionist had picked up on watching all this from behind that piece of glass that prevents her from getting pinkeye like the rest of us.

i felt like i had won the lottery and if i could have i would have done a victory lap around the waiting room, high-fiving everyone as i made my way back to the inner sanctum.

unfortunately the whole back thing prevents me from doing this.

damn it all.

happy saturday.

5 things to do on a friday

2010-10-15T09:42:00.004-04:00

1. wake up and try to figure out why my right eye is red, moopy and swollen shut. go over in my head where i was yesterday: doctor's office waiting room (that was filled with sick people, several of them children especially the one that sat next to me and kept touching me.), pharmacy, grocery store & work. think again trying to remember if i saw anyone else with pinkeye.

2. finish editing over 500 wedding photos. or maybe not. are the shots blurry? can't tell.

3. decide this may not be the right day to edit photos. call eye doctor to see if i can get an appointment.

4. google the ingredients in crystal light red raspberry drink mix. need to find out why my fingers have been stained red ever since i made a galleon jug of it 3 days ago despite repeated attempts to get them clean, including soaking them in a mixture of clorox & water.

5. sit back and have a good laugh at what i look like today with the whole eye and red fingers thing going on.

very funny universe.

very funny.....

red team go

2010-10-11T18:47:00.006-04:00

yesterday i did something i never did before and frankly, hope i never have to do again. i shot 2 weddings back-to-back. woof. luckily they were both at the same beachfront location or i would not have been able to pull it off but because i am superwoman and have magical powers it all worked out.

i saw on the news today that yesterday (10-10-10) was a very popular day to get married.

i agree.

an excerpt from ThE bOOk

2010-10-06T10:28:00.006-04:00

*******************

apparently september got the best of me. i couldn't think of anything nice to say so i remained quiet. trust me, you really didn't miss a thing.

i've been working on ThE bOOk for freaking ever and recently came across some pages stashed in between the pages of a book i was about to put in the "give away" box. there are reasons why ThE bOOk will prolly never get published and that is one of them.

anyway, here goes...feel free to comment.

******************

"roger"

i was dreaming about a large octopus that reached out from under the sea to grab unsuspecting victims by the ankles, dragging them to the depths to their deaths when roger woke me up.

i am trying to find a correlation between the two and so far i've come up with nothing.

yesterday roger let me sleep until 9am but that's only because he insisted on 3 glasses of wine the night before and that on top of the pain medication made me quite comfortably numb. bryan says using roger as an excuse to drink on top of the pills is pure bullshit and he's just not buying it. (bryan seems to have taken on the roll of the voice of reason and that it scary enough on its own).

roger is a distant cousin of claude, the ovarian cyst i had removed 2 years ago. when i went into surgery for claude i told them to take everything out. the boy i was sleeping with at the time left the hospital during the procedure to get pancakes from IHOP. because no one was around to discuss this with the doctor while i was under sedation she decided on her own to leave in the remaining ovary in spite of the 50% chance that i would get another cyst later on. i was mad at him then and am so mad at him now i won't even speak to him. he has since moved on to a younger, blonder playmate and i secretly hope his testicles swell up and have to removed one by one in separate surgeries two years apart.

three weeks ago during a routine checkup my doctor said she felt a large mass in my ovary. roger had been a quiet sleeping houseguest until then but i think all her pressing & whatnot woke him up. about ten days later i had a dream that i had a baby boy and named him roger. when i woke up i thought how ridiculous that was. i would never name a baby roger. i hate that name. if i had another boy i'd probably name him toby after my father or nico after the singer from blind melon. when i got out of bed that morning the pain was so intense i couldn't walk so i spent the next 3 days curled up in a fetal position cursing my rotten luck.

i went in for a sonogram and while i was on the table my cell phone rang. it was bryan wanting to know if he could hear the heartbeat. he's asked to be roger's godfather.

the sonogram confirmed that roger is a dermoid cyst which is a mass trapped in the ovary made up of follicles of undeveloped fetal matter. i find that image totally disturbing and feel as though i am a walking graveyard of little bits and pieces of people i will never get to meet.

the doctor wants to schedule surgery right away. i have great reservations about having it done here but i am too uncomfortable to make the trek to maine, dig my way through mounds of snow to my house, go through the entire diagnostic procedure again waiting for the same result so i will have it done down here in the jungle. i just hope the power doesn't go out in the middle of surgery.

the other night roger and i were at tutto bene testing to see just how much wine i could have on top of the percodan without falling off my barstool. something blew up at the power plant and they have us on power rotation. i can be uncomfortable and lie in bed high on pain pills without complaining much. i cannot however be uncomfortable, lie in bed high on pain pills IN THE DARK while swarms of mosquitoes feed on me. that's how i ended up at the bar.

bryan showed up and kissed my stomach asking how roger was. the woman sitting next to me must have thought i was pregnant so for the rest of evening she stared at me mumbling under her breath each time i ordered another glass of wine and smoked.

i ran into some wealthy clients who offered me the use of their private jet to get out of here if i needed to. they are also quite religious and said they would pray for me. "thank you" i said feeling guilty about my own lack of faith. the only time i pray is when the "fasten seatbelt" sign flashes and the flight attendants rush to their seats. their calm demeanor and fake smiles don't fool me.

on top of all this my mammogram shows some "suspicious findings that need further evaluation" AND i have a huge art show coming up so i have increased my dosage of tranquilizers. i haven't mentioned roger to the kids. i don't want to scare them.

i credit my twisted sense of humor which allows me to laugh at all this in spite of myself. i can shake my head and roll my eyes and just take each little thing as it comes. if they take out my ovary, fine. if they take it all out once and for all, fine. if they have to remove a breast i will get a fabulous tattoo of a snake whose tail end will be where the breast was, it will twist it's way across my rib cage around my back as though it's sneaking up on the spider on my shoulder.

hurricane earl

2010-08-31T11:03:00.004-04:00

hurricane earl roared over us all day yesterday and it's outer bands are still whipping up the seas today. i spent the day mostly without power watching the trees outside sway & break and listening to the rain pelt the sides of the house.

no fun. no fun at all.

knowing that it could have been much, much worse is little comfort especially when there are 2 more storms heading this way and i find myself asking "why do i still live here?" just like i do every year. it's a bit like childbirth i guess, you don't remember the pain of labor from your first child until you start getting contractions with the next. every year i say enough is enough but by the time christmas rolls around it's all forgotten and the months blur by and then before i know it i find myself moving all the porch furniture back inside, closing the shutters and hunkering down all the while mumbling "shit. i forgot to move away."

the weather reports had this storm passing way way north of us and for some reason i did not plan on being stuck in the house from sunday night through this morning. the winds & rain started very early and while i sat around wondering if i should drive to a house that wasn't built in the 1940's the storm moved south and the wind & rain started and i was stuck here. the tall one took the herbal cure and giggled uncontrollably all day, peeking out the doors and saying "c'mon mom, let's go dance in the rain..." and i am like "oh shut up stoner and take a nap" .

i drove out and about this morning mostly just to get out of the house and the island seems to have fared well, just a few downed trees, fences & signs. the east end is still without power, the other one lives out that way and he is cursing and wanting a hot shower.

i have to go to work at the hotel tonight and will try not to freak out any tourists who are stuck here because the airport is closed. they should not have to suffer because i am tweaking. i will act all nonchalant, crack some jokes and use concealer under my eyes to hide the fact that i haven't had a good night's sleep since saturday.

and we still have 3 more months til the season is over.

oh crap it's that time of year again

2010-08-28T11:09:00.003-04:00

rainstorm off of cane bay

so sorry i've been out of touch...visiting family, new job...sometimes life gets in the way of blogging. here's a quick re-cap of the past few weeks:

1. i got a speeding ticket, i was going a brisk 40 in a 30 mph zone. never even knew we had an official speed limit down here. i think i am the first person EVER to get a speeding ticket. since then i have made it a point to look for the speed signs and they are EVERYWHERE...WTF?! last night as i was driving home i also noticed 6 new speedbumps on the sleepy back road i use. REALLY???

2. i started my new job at a beachfront hotel. so far i like it very much.

3. my younger brother, his wife and son were here for 2 weeks which was lovely, spent a lot of time hanging out at beaches which is always good for the soul.

4. had a ginourmous centipede crawl up my leg while i was sleeping. i don't think i will ever get over the feeling of all those legs scurrying up mine nor the sight of the tail end of it going over the side of the bed, then the "plop" sound of it as it hit the floor and then slithering away as i sat there in shock. i slept on the couch that night, wondered how i would ever sleep soundly in my room again knowing that beast was still out there. the next day while i was at work the tall one took everything out of my room except for my bed and bureau and bought me this spray that is supposed to kill them instantly. i sleep with the can next to my pillow. (traumatized)

5. now i am holding my breath and trying not to freak out as i watch the weather channel. earl, fiona...i hate hurricane season. while everyone else is out buying canned food, water & batteries i am at the doctor's office getting valium. LOTS of valium.

i dream of the day when i might live somewhere with no fricking centipedes or hurricanes to muss up my otherwise groovy life. in the meantime i will try to stay calm and carry on.

new photos

2010-08-12T10:38:00.004-04:00

these are some of the shots from a session i did last week - the kids were so good and i think taking the shoot out of the house and to the beach did the trick!

****************************

i start a new job today...quit the one hotel i was working at to go to another, more hours plus benefits. i always wanted to be able to do photography full time but in this economy it just isn't enough. i still have days and weekends free so i can do both and am just giddy over having health insurance again!

peace out peeps....

oh hello august

2010-08-07T09:24:00.003-04:00

em and baby marley

**************************

i now know why my parents packed us all on an airplane headed north the second school dismissed for summer when we were children.

excessive heat makes you a wee bit crazy. we have a storms passing both beneath and above us and as a result all the air around us has been sucked out.

it. is. so. still......

i am terrified of storms so on the one hand i am happy but when the weather gets in the way of my work i have issues. when it's so hot and sticky like this no one wants their photo taken. nevertheless i press on, trying to get one good shot where my subject isn't glaring at me, beads of sweat sliding down their flushed face.

and the saddest part of all is that it is actually cooler here than in maine, where i spent my childhood summers.

go figure.......

96 degrees in the shade

2010-08-06T10:20:00.003-04:00

i shot a wedding last weekend at what i think was the hottest place on the planet. i am an idiot so i did not put on any sunscreen and spent 3 hours in the hot, unrelenting, blazing sun.

hello skin cancer....

i am working on the edits now and will post some later on!

some black and whites

2010-07-30T08:59:00.004-04:00

it's a great thing when your friends will model for you AND they have a goat farm!

some great photos

2010-07-29T09:24:00.002-04:00

leonardo dicaprio photo by franck robichon/EPA

actor bradley cooper in london photo by carl court AFP/Getty

india, child in hammock photo by ajay verma/reuters

us marine in afghanistan photo by kevin frayer/AP

******************************

all these images are from www.guardian.co.uk, they have a wonderful series called

"24 hours in pictures"

i would still like to be a photojournalist when i grow up.

the sun is out (finally) back to work...

2010-07-26T11:02:00.002-04:00

it's rained here for the last month - no joke. i was just about to lose my mind when the black clouds finally moved on and i could get back to work.

gotta lotta catching up to do!

happy birthday my love

2010-07-23T11:13:00.003-04:00

the tall one & the other one circa 1989

******************************

27 years ago today the tall one was born and as any new mother will agree, my life changed forever. as soon as they handed him to me i finally knew what it felt like to really be in love.

i was terrified.

terrified that i wouldn't be good enough, brave enough or strong enough to keep him safe.

he made it easy and has grown up to be one of my best friends.

cheers darling and happy birthday.

i love you.

i don't know why i love this but i do

2010-07-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

bravo kia advertising people, this commercial is hilarious.

it doesn't make me rush out to buy the car but it made me laugh.

dear anne rice

2010-07-09T11:37:00.003-04:00

i just finished reading your book "angel time". it was the biggest piece of literary crap i have ever forced myself to finish.

you owe me $8.99 and four hours of my life.

i bet you breathed a sigh of relief when your publisher accepted it and then giggled all the way to the bank to deposit the check.

i have enjoyed your works over the years, with the exception of those horrid ones you couldn't even publish under your own name. you have either run out of clever ideas (hey, it could happen to anyone) or you have decided your readers are a bunch of silly twats.

either way, shame on you.

all smiles

2010-07-01T10:57:00.001-04:00

if you were here...

2010-06-30T12:01:00.003-04:00

you could kick back here at carden beach in one of these very awesome homes. when it gets too hot outside around your private pool deck you'd slip inside where the central a/c just. feels. like. heaven.

or so i hope anyway.

rainforest flowers

2010-06-29T08:09:00.002-04:00

"to create one's own world in any of the arts takes courage." Georgia O'Keeffe

some moves for a monday

2010-06-28T07:48:00.002-04:00

these images are just to remind you to crank up some music today and dance.

it'll make you feel better.

i promise.

shots from the studio

2010-06-25T09:25:00.002-04:00

puttering around this morning looking for inspiration in every nook and cranny...

where is your inspiration coming from today?

oh yeah, i was a vogue model

2010-06-24T08:02:00.003-04:00

yup. that's me, circa 1964...vogue children's magazine did a shoot here and me and all my peeps were the models. it was then that i knew i wanted to be on the other side of the camera. i couldn't really swim that well and i remember the photographer urging me to wander out deeper and deeper into the waves. he did not care that i was scared, kept telling me to smile. that is a look of terror you see there...

funny. i can remember that far back but yesterday i went to the grocery (for dog food) wandered around the store wondering why i was there, picked up a few overpriced items and didn't even think about the dog food til i pulled up to the house and saw the dog.

(pfft)

framed humor

2010-06-23T09:40:00.002-04:00

found this little gem at the flea market yesterday and it cracked me up.

here's hoping you find a bit of humor in your life today...

my new muse

2010-06-22T09:36:00.002-04:00

meet margaret, my faceless muse. she has inspiration seeping from her and i love that she has no eyes, no mouth, no expression to give away what she is thinking. many of my father's paintings were of faceless folks and i always wondered why until i started painting myself.

faces are HARD.

we've been under a flash flood watch since last week so i spent the past couple of days reorganizing my studio. my jeep doesn't have 4-wheel drive (dumbest thing i ever did, buying 2-wheel drive jeep. duh.) and when it's sloppy wet muddy i can't get up my driveway (once i have slid down it to go out)

i love the rain so much i think i should move to seattle. (sigh)

i believe in reincarnation

2010-06-20T10:38:00.002-04:00

apparently this baby knew me in a previous life and did not care for me at all.

two separate sessions and i could not get her to laugh or smile...however she is totally full of fits and giggles when i am not around.

go figure.

faces

2010-06-18T09:58:00.002-04:00

there is a teeny tiny spark present that has been absent for way too long.

i've missed it in a bad way and am grasping onto it as hard as i can, trying to make the most of it and all it is capable of

just in case i lose my grip and it slips away...

island views

2010-06-17T09:44:00.002-04:00

view from inside an old sugar mill on the eastern side

south shore

north shore

sugar mill at rust op twist, an old plantation

************************

i did an island tour the other day, i had a job taking photos of a Jeep...she was the best model EVER! i grabbed a friend and off we went to spend the day playing tourists - tons of fun! after living down here for so long i've gotten a bit jaded and forget how lovely this place is....

let your freak flag fly

2010-06-12T11:20:00.002-04:00

feathered participant in 3 kings day parade 2009

**************************

i have decided that i am going to STOP being such a patsy when it comes to hitchhikers. i no longer care who you were once or where you are going now. i am NOT going to give you a lift. everyfreakingtime i let my guard down i end up with a whackadoo in the front seat.

i fell victim to a nicely dressed woman who was shopping at the flea market, we had exchanged comments about a certain blouse. she seemed totally NORMAL. she was standing outside as i was leaving and asked if i was headed towards town. i let her in.

BIG mistake.

2 seconds later she is telling me her life story which involved leaving las vegas, police, jail, threats with a knife and best of all a crack addiction to which she gave credit to JESUS for curing.

with each snippit of information i am pressing on the gas pedal just.a.little.bit.more so at this point we are a clear 20 miles over the speed limit, screeching around corners because i cannot get to town fast enough to get this crazy-ass bitch out of my car.

we are on the outskirts of town when she mentions that she wishes she had found a pair of shoes at the flea market. i am biting the inside of my lip at this point cursing myself for picking up another weirdo so i stare straight ahead, afraid at this point to make direct eye contact anyway.

undaunted she prattles on about how this refinery guy paid her $300 so he could "lick mah pussy" and while she "threw mah legs sooo high up in the air" she lost a shoe.

i slam the car to a stop, she braces herself against the dashboard and smiles at me.

"time to get out", i said.

instead of getting out she reaches around to the backseat and picks up my pink scarf and says., "i like this. can i have it?"

"no." i said. "i like it too. get out."

she opens the car door and asks "i really need some money. can i have some money?"

"you just made $300. get out."

she was waving at me as i drove away.

all my kids in one spot

2010-06-08T09:27:00.002-04:00

the engaged one, the tall one, the baby one and the other engaged one

baby one graduated from high school the other day....whew. years ago her mum and i had a mock wedding on the beach because we decided neither of us needed a husband at the time, what we really needed was a wife. i worked during the day, she worked at night so we split shifts to make sure our kids always had a parent present. this has fueled years of lesbian rumors which we have always just laughed off. there are still some idiots out there who never got the joke and we continue to be the fodder of late night gossip. she has since snagged a fab husband and had another little girlie. my boys have always considered her their little sister and i still cannot believe she is off to college in the fall.

the tall one insisted on smoking pot in the car on the way to the ceremony, he kept the window rolled up so i think he hot-boxed me a little bit because i thought the whole event was fricking hilarious and giggled the entire time. then we all went out to dinner where i ate my weight in cake.

yesterday my car still reeked of the weed and i was so afraid i would get pulled over i cut my errands short and brought the jeep home to air out.

my life would probably be a lot more interesting if i just gave in and sparked up a huge spliff but i have a hard enough time stumbling through the day as it is. i have always been fascinated by people who could smoke the weed and continue to be productive. i am not one of them. the last time i let myself get talked into it i got so high i forgot how to pee and then ate a whole container of lasagna using ritz crackers instead of a fork.

i think it's wise that i leave the herb alone, i already get paranoid every time i walk into a room filled with my friends, my eyes quickly scan the room looking for the interventionist and i don't exhale until i am sure she isn't there.....

dear apple you fucktards

2010-06-07T15:23:00.002-04:00

i would like the last hour and a half of my life RETURNED to me in a pretty little box with a bow on it.

last year i signed up for the "free" trial of mobile me. i instantly forgot i signed up for it and 45 days later you charged my credit card for a year's subscription. because i am high on pills i did not notice and NEVER EVER used mobile me. not once. so this year when you went to sneakily reactivate my account for another year of NOTHING my credit card number had changed and the charges did not go through. undaunted by this YOU KEPT TRYING TO CHARGE MY CREDIT CARD every goddam day for the past 8 days. you freaked out my bank and because they are a bunch of fucktards too they decided the best solution to this problem was to BLOCK MY CREDIT CARD. so i call the fraud detection people in puerto rico where english is NO LONGER SPOKEN and i am told (in spanish) that in order for my card to be un-blocked i have to CANCEL the mobile me service I NEVER WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. i tried to do it online but couldn't remember my user name or the password for the ACCOUNT I DIDN'T WANT and this resulted in me having to call apple support where i was put on hold so fricking long by the time a human came on the line i forgot why i was calling. then i am told i need to go onto a goddam support chat site because MOBILE ME HAS NO PHONE SUPPORT SYSTEM. jesusmaryandjoseph! i am so fired up at this point i can barely type and the apple guy wants to know the last 4 digits of the credit card i used to order the service a year ago. i can't remember whether i ate frigging breakfast this morning! luckily (for everyone) i was able to answer the "secret" question or heads were going to roll. applechatguy tells me the account is canceled and i could tell by the way he typed it he was being pissy. up yours! then i had to call puerto rico again, get put on hold 3 times and then in my shit spanish try to explain (again) that i want my card un-blocked. jose tells me (or i think he did anyway) that my card should be un-blocked in the next 15 minutes.

i am exhausted.

how much do you want to bet all my apple accounts have been deleted because they have attitude when you want out of one of their services and because of the language barrier with that chicken shack bank of mine i probably no longer have a bank account either.

(sigh)

tunes for a sunday

2010-06-06T09:55:00.002-04:00

it is so bloody hot and it's making me a bit pissy so i will let eddie do the talking today

happy sunday all

dust gets in your eyes

2010-06-05T09:24:00.005-04:00

the thick blanket of dust is still coating everything on the island. it's hard to imagine teeny grains of sand finding their way here from the saraha desert in africa but here is proof. it's been a week now and every morning i wake up hoping to see even a glimmer of blue...folks are not too keen on having their portraits taken with this muck as a backdrop so i have been doing a lot of rescheduling.

pffft.

and it's hot. so hot it's all anyone talks about. i am standing in line at the bank and every person who walks in embraces the air conditioned interior with a deep sigh, wipes their brow with the washcloth we never leave home without (just like the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy - it's a towel - only smaller!) and then mumbles something under their breath about how freaking hot it is outside.

and we all nod in agreement. usually i am a wee bit impatient standing in lines but yesterday i really had no problem with the fact that my cheap-ass bank thought it was ok to only have 2 tellers working while the other 3 stood at their posts staring down at their shoes pretending to be doing something way more important than waiting on the 30 odd people standing in line.

i hate that branch of the bank and swear every time i am never coming back and then the pills make me forget until the next time i am standing in the line that never moves while plotting a revolution against all the slacker tellers and their manager who could. not. move. more. slowly. if. she. tried.

hey, don't judge me. it's a way to pass the time.

spirits of vacations past

2010-06-04T07:19:00.003-04:00

it's an old hotel and an even older building, dates back over 200 years. at night while all the guests are out at dinner i hear doors open and close, footsteps on the stairs. i am not the type of person who would freak out if a ghost showed up in the lobby. that would be the. coolest. thing. ever.

let the music play

2010-06-03T09:29:00.003-04:00

it is another hazy day in the islands. the sky looks like cement and it is so thick it appears as though the rest of the island has vanished, leaving only our little enclave on top of the hill.

pffft.

one word describes it best. yucky.

yesterday i left the house in a lah-dee-dah mood to attack some things on my to-do list, the first being to pick up the first print i've had made for the show next week. i get there and they show me an invoice that was twice the amount i was quoted.

chipper counter lady tells me they had to go up in size and that was the reason for the increase. she is smiling the whole time. they had phoned me about the size but failed to mention the change in price. (we're talking $40 more, not chump change)

i take a deep breath and give her a big smile back and ask her if she thinks this is fair. i do this slowly and calmly because on the inside i just want to reach across the counter and choke her.

but i need my print and i have 6 others that need printing too...

there is this uncomfortable silence going on until another employee of the print shop chimes in and says i am totally right and shouldn't have to pay the difference. a quick phone call to the person in charge and it's all settled. i don't have to pay - it was their fault for quoting me the wrong price.

in the end i am glad i didn't choke her and realized that this oppressive heatwave we are having coupled with whatever is going on with my hormones makes it too risky for me to interact with others.

i got back in the jeep, cranked up the a/c and my iPod and let van morrison guide me back home.

to hell with the to-do list. i'll wait til it's safe out.

really. i should have thought of this.....

2010-05-31T11:43:00.002-04:00

thinking of new ways to torture my kids

2010-05-29T09:13:00.003-04:00

here is what one of my photos would look like as a jigsaw puzzle.

i would challenge the kids to finish it in under an hour.

there would be huge prizes involved which would only add to the tension and it would be fun to watch them attack each other during this process. they never fought as little kids (unlike all their friends who were constantly going at it, so much so i used to threaten to crush their heads with rocks if they didn't quit it but only when their parents were out of earshot.) this was a very effective tool as they never quite knew if i was being serious or not and if they asked my kids they would tell them there was no way of knowing so they'd better knock it off just in case. don't get me wrong, my house was the fun house filled with art supplies that anyone could use when they wanted and interesting photo props to play with like angel wings, ball gowns, masks, feather boas and assorted skulls. not real skulls but i would have so had one if the opportunity presented itself but my kids had a hard enough time getting invited to birthday parties already.

every now and again my boys would taunt each other with some old fashioned name-calling, my favourite was when the other one would call the tall one "scrotum" to which he would respond "sack!" and then i would hear those two words repeated over and over again until i threatened to crush their heads with rocks.

my mom overheard me use that threat once and she was horrified. i had to remind her that when my brothers and i were kids we were so scared of my father all he had to do was make like he was taking off his leather belt and we would pee ourselves a little bit. she got all huffy and asked me why i made up such horrible memories and i wanted to ask her what house she had spent the past 30 years in but before i could she would totter off to refill her glass with some box wine from the fridge in the garage.

don't get me wrong, we were not abused children. we were well behaved. we lived in constant fear of "what if" and only dared put one teeny tiny toe on the boundary of bad.

i honestly believe they did everything right as we all turned out to be law abiding citizens who have in turn raised another generation of people you will not see on any episode of "cops".

so far, so good.

bad baby

2010-05-28T08:02:00.003-04:00

bad baby is going to get his own series. the possibilities are endless...

****************************

so it's raining out and i am reminded again how much i freaking love it AND how totally retarded we all get down here during a downpour. west indians do not like getting their heads wet because you will get a cold and die. west indians do not like getting their cars dirty with mud or muddy water because someone might see you in your nasty, dirty car, make fun of you and then you will die.

in light of this everything just STOPS when it rains. no work. no events. it is expected and completely understood if you insist on staying indoors until the storm passes.

there is a 90% chance of rain today and already the tall one has been sent home from work. i had a long list of things for him to do and before i could rattle it off to him he snuck out, whereabouts unknown.

damn. he's good.

caribbean view from the sky

2010-05-27T07:01:00.003-04:00

this is the harbour in christiansted

cane bay on the north shore, one of my favourite places on the island

just down the road is carambola, used to be called davis bay, they filmed the movie "island of dr. moreau" there way back

downtown christiansted, some of the buildings date back 200 years

it's a lovely place.....

*********************

i had a totally non-productive day yesterday.

today will be different.

amen.

a little black and white

2010-05-26T08:28:00.003-04:00

i spent the morning kicking around christiansted, hanging out in a coffee shop totally avoiding the task of choosing which pieces should go into the show.

i. do. not. heart. making. decisions.

today i have to press the issue again because if i am going to order prints from smugmug.com (they ROCK!!!) i have to give enough time for the local postal service to do their jobs badly (they do not rock at all, like christmas in july sort of nonsense)

i even got a postcard from my father 3 months after he died. almost as bad as getting an email from dead mother too. a friend i had let stay in the maine beach house was using mom's outlook express account to frig with me. the subject of the email was "i know what you did last night"

yes. both of those events really happened.

yep. no wonder i am the way that i am.

welcome to the jungle

2010-05-25T07:48:00.005-04:00

as if i need another mouth to feed around here...yesterday i finally figured out who has been eating the goldfish out of the pond.

hey, do mongooses eat centipedes? they eat snakes (which is why we don't have them here)

so while rikki tikki tavi is prowling all over the porch after a goldfish snack my fatass cat sleeps soundly.

if i didn't know better i'd think they were all in it together.

************************

the amazing root hat

2010-05-24T10:35:00.004-04:00

yesterday my neighbor brought me the root from my tree that had made its way into their cistern (oops)

i think it makes a very cool hat

(the tall one and his friends humored me by wearing it for photos)

(the neighbor thinks i'm a whackadoo)

adventures in shopping - island style

2010-05-23T07:56:00.003-04:00

if you drive around the island on a saturday morning you find all the local farmers either selling on the roadsides or at farmer's stands. i hit the road yesterday to find some props for a shoot i am doing today with some of my favourite models. here are some plantains, guavas & pumpkin

sweet plantains

it's mango season - they are EVERYWHERE

and this sign on a sidewalk at the edge of town just cracked me up. if the owner of this establishment is so opposed to cigarettes why does he still sell them????

***************************

at the end of it all i have a plethora of groovy props for today; sugar cane stalks, plantains still on the stalk, coconuts and of course, mangoes. the girls are coming here to the house to get into costume and we will set out to shoot at a new location that has an old sugar mill and ruins. i have a show on june 11th and these photos will be a big part of that exhibit.

****************************

i also got to touch my first iPad yesterday.....i. want. one. so. freaking. bad. i try not to covet the material things in life but this thing is just too cool! it is a lot smaller than it looks in the commercials, like where do they find these actors with the freakishly small hands????? shame on you Applepeople! why you being so deceptive? (your product is awesome tho and you can make it up to me by sending me one ASAP)

****************************

centipede update. yesterday the tall one is in the shower, reaches out to the towel rack, grabs towel & wraps it around his back, centipede slithers out and down his arm...he screams like a girl (you would too) and manages to throw towel on top of it and stomps it to death.

i am now showering at the neighbors.

he too has noticed random tremors in his legs which we also blame on all the seven dust sprinkled everywhere. it is now all over the bathroom floor too. i still think a little facial tick now and then is better than being bitten.

this is ridiculous.

i may have gone too far

2010-05-21T13:56:00.003-04:00

saw this in the parking lot in christiansted...there is no open container law down here in the jungle but i have never seen this before! i didn't get the shot right with my iPhone but it's positioned so the driver can reach right out and open a beer while driving.

(sigh)

*************************

in an attempt to keep the millions of centipedes from entering into my house i decided to sprinkle seven dust, well everywhere. it's on the thresholds, under windows, around the base of the toilet (nothing more terrifying than sitting on the loo and having to choose between jumping off before you are finished or letting one get away) and in a huge circle around my bed so now it looks as though i have some weird voodoo stuff going on (again). forgetting that this substance is indeed, POISON, i may have overdone it as the cats and i have all developed facial twitches.

having to decide if it is worse than being bitten by a centipede and am willing to see how bad the spasms get before i switch to plan b.

(note to self: need a plan b.)

poking the bear with a stick

2010-05-20T13:21:00.002-04:00

yikes i'm cranky.

somehow i've been dropped head first into my own little version of hell on earth.

i am being terrorized by centipedes. four huge ones in as many days, each one larger than the other. i am laying in bed watching a little tv the other night when i hear a scraping noise on the floor...i see it as it slithers behind a stack of books i've been meaning to put away and begin screaming, hop up, grab a shoe and start tossing books out of the way smack, smack, smacking the beastly thing with everything i've got. killed satan's spawn along with a hurricane globe that got in the way.

the fricking thing grunted at me as it died and i swear i heard it say, "there are thousands more like me under your bed" so i spent the rest of the night unable to sleep, afraid to even get up until it was light out.

i may have to burn the house down and start over fresh.

*************************

and speaking of fire, i bragged to someone the other day that i had never had a hot flash which i realize now was a big mistake because i have been ON FIRE ever since. jesusmaryandjoseph my skin hurts and it feels like i am sleeping on a heating pad the size of a mattress.

i am not enjoying this one bit. not one bit at all.

************************

there's been a bit of a shakeup at my night job which may mean the end of my groovy, laid back existence there and turn it into the stuff nightmares are made of with a new company coming in to take over running the hotel.

nooooooooooooooooooooooo....

************************

i still have not paid the parking ticket. there is probably a bench warrant out for my arrest.

i wonder if there are centipedes in jail?

just call my house the nap vortex

2010-05-13T09:22:00.002-04:00

it is impossible to get anything done in this house.

yesterday the other one popped over and within 20 minutes of being inside was fast asleep. there is a kicking breeze right now, it's quiet...

shhhhhhhhhhh...........

time to get cracking

2010-05-12T07:20:00.003-04:00

west end sunset taken with nikon D80, 70-300 lens

***********************

i am gearing up today to dust myself off and dive into a huge, juicy creative pool. for the past few months life has gotten in the way of art and that just doesn't work for me. i have a show coming up, my first of the year and i have some cool ideas that i can't wait to share...

i had to back out of a project yesterday that i had been really looking forward to. i am terribly disappointed, the timing just didn't work out and i have to believe that as one door closes another opens!

***********************

still no return call from plumber. have advised all housemates to go make friends with the neighbors for showering and whatnot. i am the only one still allowed to run the pump so

they are not happy and grumble like mad as they trek across the lawn.

BUT this worked out super for me as one neighbor realized what was going on after the tall one was caught sneaking in a load of laundry and he came over here, looked at the pump and gave me a list for the plumbing supply store. it appears to be a simple fix - fingers crossed!

on the hunt for the plumber

2010-05-11T08:22:00.005-04:00

"the cool out bar", watercolor by toby schoyer

********************

dear mr. plumberman, i've been calling & leaving you messages since last friday. there is something wrong with a switch on our water pump. you turn on the faucet and the pumps clicks on-off-on-off and the pressure comes & goes. because i don't want it to break completely i have almost banned using water at the house. dishes are piling up as is a mountain of laundry...i do not want to have to lower a bucket into the cistern and wash the dishes like we do after a hurricane. i really don't want to have to spend a whole day in a hot, stinky laundrymat. i also don't want to start taking bucket showers.

as usual i blame fn WAPA if the switch has burned out, our electric has been going out at least twice a week for the last month. just our little part of the island, no one else... i really wish the woman who is having the affair with the WAPA man would move out of our neighborhood, i swear everytime the lights go out it is because they are fighting.

i just want you two to get along!

and i would like a hot shower!

new life in old photos

2010-05-10T07:44:00.003-04:00

playing around with the cool effects you can find at photobucket.com LOVE!!

************************

yesterday my boys (and miss nic) took me to brunch at the cultured pelican @ coakley bay. my pal nicole took great care of us, the food was awesome and i took the opportunity to embarrass them all by wearing the plastic tiara & accompanying jewels they gave me (as a joke).

the other one snapped a pic with his iPhone and posted it on facebook so i suppose the joke was really on me...

i have a bazillion things to do today, 2 big projects coming up - more about them later!

happy monday...

thanks boys

2010-05-09T07:09:00.003-04:00

1998

2003

2007

2010

***************************

to my sweet young men, you have made being a mom such a joyful experience.

i love you both.

to all the other moms out there,

happy mother's day!

it's all about choices

2010-05-07T08:25:00.003-04:00

i spent most of yesterday grocery shopping. can't find all that you need in one store, luckily it's a small island...but nevertheless it's a chore that i put off until i have nothing left in the house to eat.

and speaking of eating, i went to the doctor for my monthly how-bad-are-your-crumbling-bones-now checkup and the nurse tells me to get on the scale.

"no" i said.

"but you have to" she said, looking a bit shocked at my defiance.

"no. no i don't." i said, plopping myself down in the plastic chair in the triage room. then i said, "here's what you are going to do. take out my chart and just write down FAT and let's move on."